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Friday, September 07, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2007
My Thoughts Exactly
An article in the Guardian explains exactly why I'm not optimistic about the new Simpsons movie (my Springfieldian doppelganger below notwithstanding):
Once, it was the greatest show on TV. Every episode was brimming with imagination, excitement and some of the sharpest one-liners to come out of America for decades. But above all it was smart: The Simpsons knew how to parry crudity with intelligence blow for blow. Bart's big-haired nemesis Sideshow Bob stepping on a rake nine times would be followed up with a surreal two-minute performance of HMS Pinafore.
...
Then it all changed. A new guard took over and ripped up the rules. Veterans of the show with pedigrees on venerated US comedy institutions like Saturday Night Live and The Tonight Show - Jon Vitti, George Meyer, John Schwartzwelder - either departed or went part-time. In came writers who had cut their teeth on sappy teen comedies like Blossom and unsophisticated knockabouts like Beavis and Butt-Head. A looser, lazier sensibility took hold, given free rein by new executive producer Mike Scully. And the show became stupid.
...
The show went on to jettison all interest in pretending to have earthy, avuncular roots: the warm, good-natured centre that, when you scraped away the multi-layered jokes and cerebral grandstanding, had been there from day one was obliterated. No longer did we see the family bonding, caring for each other, showing emotion. Instead, it was anything goes.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Bush Commutes Convict's Sentence without Getting Some Kind of Payment in Return; Clinton Outraged
"He's unfairly driving down prices!" the randy former president was heard to say. "How will Hillary raise any money with this administration setting this as a precedent? Now all our scumbag friends will expect the same treatment. Why, it took three Columbian drug lord pardons just to keep my private jet supplied with microwaveable popcorn for a year." Clinton then crammed an entire piece of peanut butter cheesecake in his mouth and started humping the leg of a nearby grand piano.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
One of Us
James Lileks has his first experience with Chick-fil-A:
Welcome to the club, James. But what's amazing to me is that a worldly, well-traveled newspaper guy like him could only just now be having his first Chick-fil-A. As much as you may know, there are still worlds beyond you.
I’ve never quite had this experience before. On one side of the brain, total pleasure. On the other side of the brain, a simultaneous desire to become a franchisee. It was the most delicious piece of fast-food I’d ever had, and I say that knowing well that 67% of my email headers tomorrow will read "Chick-Fil-A" and everyone will agree. No, I didn’t have the waffle fries. A man has to have something to live for.
Welcome to the club, James. But what's amazing to me is that a worldly, well-traveled newspaper guy like him could only just now be having his first Chick-fil-A. As much as you may know, there are still worlds beyond you.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
No Mercy
When the military learns that taking prisoners only leads to hassle, bad publicity, and lawsuits, how do they respond? Well, like this, for starters:
It's hard to file habeus corpus when the corpus is just a cloud of dust.
Caught in the middle of the Helmand river, the fleeing Taliban were paddling their boat back to shore for dear life.
...
As the boat reached the shore, Captain Larry Staley tilted the nose of the lead Apache gunship downwards into a dive. One of the men turned to face the helicopter and sank to his knees. Capt Staley's gunner pressed the trigger and the man disappeared in a cloud of smoke and dust.
By the time the gunships had finished, 21 minutes later, military officials say 14 Taliban were confirmed dead, including one of their key commanders in Helmand.
The mission is typical of a new, aggressive, approach adopted by American forces in southern Afghanistan...
Aircrews say they have been told to show no mercy, but to press home their advantage until all their targets have been destroyed.
It's hard to file habeus corpus when the corpus is just a cloud of dust.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Midnight Cowboy Talks Sense
It's sad that we have reached the point where it's shocking just to hear someone talking common sense. But that's what happened to me when I saw Jon Voight talking about the war on terror. I've never thought he was exceptionally crazy (except maybe when he took that role in Baby Geniuses 2), but still, as a Hollywood type, you don't expect his thoughts to bear any relation to reality. I was pleasantly surprised, and I need all of that I can get.
Please note, I don't think this means Jon Voight is anywhere close to being conservative, even by Hollywood standards. But like I always say, I don't need you to be conservative, I just need you to be reasonable.
Please note, I don't think this means Jon Voight is anywhere close to being conservative, even by Hollywood standards. But like I always say, I don't need you to be conservative, I just need you to be reasonable.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
The Template
In the wake of the attack at Virginia Tech, conservative commentaters are commentating about how the mainstream press is covering events using it's standard template. But what is that template, exactly? Through hard work and derring-do, jaceonline spies have managed to obtain The Mainstream Media Tragic Event Template(tm), which we share with you below.
Steps to Take In Case of Tragic Event (i.e., someone is dead where they aren't supposed to be dead)
Question: Who is the victim?
-- If victim is a criminal who was shot by a law-abiding gun owner, ignore story completely. Run feature story about Jennifer Anniston's boobs.
-- If victim is from an approved minority group, begin preparations for Movie of the Week. If victim is woman, call Mary Louise Parker; if gay, call Rob Lowe.
-- If unsure, send every available reporter for wall-to-wall coverage; hope to turn up somebody who is part Mexican on his mother's side. Also gay.
Question: What is the cause of the tragedy?
-- Natural disaster: Blame Bush.
-- Terrorist attack: Blame Bush.
-- Lone wacko: Send every available reporter for wall-to-wall coverage; hope to find something you can blame on Bush. Also gun nuts.
Question: Who is the perpetrator?
-- If name sounds foreign, suppress it for as long as possible, especially if "Mohammed" is anywhere in there.
-- If perpetrator looks ethnic in any way, take no pictures of him. Publish no pictures that already exist, unless they show him handing out flowers in a nursing home on Mother's Day.
-- If perpetrator is definitely a white male, try to reposition a satelite so you can take pictures of him from orbit 24 hours a day.
Question: What weapon did the perpetrator use?
-- If a gun, JACKPOT! We have so much anti-gun stuff we can't wait to print!
-- If a bomb, print the anti-gun stuff anyway.
-- If a knife, rock, or ax handle, move story to "Wacky News" section.
Question: What was the perpetrator's motivation?
-- If a Republican is in the White House, explore the possibility that the attack was an understandable response to the corrosive social environment created by racist, oppressive govenment policies that further enrich the wealthiest one percent and leave the rest of us wallowing in fear and despair.
-- If a Democrat is in the White House, just say that Rush Limbaugh probably told him to do it.
Steps to Take In Case of Tragic Event (i.e., someone is dead where they aren't supposed to be dead)
Question: Who is the victim?
-- If victim is a criminal who was shot by a law-abiding gun owner, ignore story completely. Run feature story about Jennifer Anniston's boobs.
-- If victim is from an approved minority group, begin preparations for Movie of the Week. If victim is woman, call Mary Louise Parker; if gay, call Rob Lowe.
-- If unsure, send every available reporter for wall-to-wall coverage; hope to turn up somebody who is part Mexican on his mother's side. Also gay.
Question: What is the cause of the tragedy?
-- Natural disaster: Blame Bush.
-- Terrorist attack: Blame Bush.
-- Lone wacko: Send every available reporter for wall-to-wall coverage; hope to find something you can blame on Bush. Also gun nuts.
Question: Who is the perpetrator?
-- If name sounds foreign, suppress it for as long as possible, especially if "Mohammed" is anywhere in there.
-- If perpetrator looks ethnic in any way, take no pictures of him. Publish no pictures that already exist, unless they show him handing out flowers in a nursing home on Mother's Day.
-- If perpetrator is definitely a white male, try to reposition a satelite so you can take pictures of him from orbit 24 hours a day.
Question: What weapon did the perpetrator use?
-- If a gun, JACKPOT! We have so much anti-gun stuff we can't wait to print!
-- If a bomb, print the anti-gun stuff anyway.
-- If a knife, rock, or ax handle, move story to "Wacky News" section.
Question: What was the perpetrator's motivation?
-- If a Republican is in the White House, explore the possibility that the attack was an understandable response to the corrosive social environment created by racist, oppressive govenment policies that further enrich the wealthiest one percent and leave the rest of us wallowing in fear and despair.
-- If a Democrat is in the White House, just say that Rush Limbaugh probably told him to do it.
Judges Matter
The Supreme Court upheld the partial-birth abortion ban. There's going to be a lot of commentary, but there's only one thing I'm dying to know: What does Harriet Myers think about the decision?
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Someone Else! Someone Else!
The Weekly Standard has an interesting profile of Fred Thompson.
To be honest with you, I'm a little tingly about the prospect of a Thompson candidacy. But I'm concerned that my tingles are caused by the fact that he is just someone else. Thompson is famous, but we don't really know that much about him. When that happens, we tend to fill in the blanks with what we hope is true. But I haven't seen anything that's scared me off yet, and that's more than I can say about any of the other Republican candidates. We'll see.
According to an adviser to one of the leading candidates, the rationale for a Thompson run is best illustrated--as so many things are--by The Simpsons. In one episode, Homer Simpson's civic-minded neighbor Ned Flanders tells a large crowd of fellow Springfield citizens that they must choose someone to lead an anticrime campaign in the town.
"Who should lead the group?"
"You," shouts a man from the crowd. The entire mob begins to chant.
"Flanders! Flanders! Flanders!"
When Flanders humbly begins to explain that he doesn't have much experience in such matters, Moe the Bartender cuts him off.
"Someone else!"
The crowd joins in.
"Someone else! Someone else! Someone else!"
One obvious advantage Fred Thompson has is that he's someone else.
To be honest with you, I'm a little tingly about the prospect of a Thompson candidacy. But I'm concerned that my tingles are caused by the fact that he is just someone else. Thompson is famous, but we don't really know that much about him. When that happens, we tend to fill in the blanks with what we hope is true. But I haven't seen anything that's scared me off yet, and that's more than I can say about any of the other Republican candidates. We'll see.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
The Real Battleground
Jason Whitlock comments on the Imus hoo-ha and hits the nail on the head:
I don’t listen or watch Imus’ show regularly. Has he at any point glorified selling crack cocaine to black women? Has he celebrated black men shooting each other randomly? Has he suggested in any way that it’s cool to be a baby-daddy rather than a husband and a parent? Does he tell his listeners that they’re suckers for pursuing education and that they’re selling out their race if they do?
When Imus does any of that, call me and I’ll get upset. Until then, he is what he is — a washed-up shock jock who is very easy to ignore when you’re not looking to be made a victim.
No. We all know where the real battleground is. We know that the gangsta rappers and their followers in the athletic world have far bigger platforms to negatively define us than some old white man with a bad radio show. There’s no money and lots of danger in that battle, so Jesse and Al are going to sit it out.
