The Template

In the wake of the attack at Virginia Tech, conservative commentaters are commentating about how the mainstream press is covering events using it's standard template. But what is that template, exactly? Through hard work and derring-do, jaceonline spies have managed to obtain The Mainstream Media Tragic Event Template(tm), which we share with you below.

Steps to Take In Case of Tragic Event (i.e., someone is dead where they aren't supposed to be dead)

Question: Who is the victim?

-- If victim is a criminal who was shot by a law-abiding gun owner, ignore story completely. Run feature story about Jennifer Anniston's boobs.
-- If victim is from an approved minority group, begin preparations for Movie of the Week. If victim is woman, call Mary Louise Parker; if gay, call Rob Lowe.
-- If unsure, send every available reporter for wall-to-wall coverage; hope to turn up somebody who is part Mexican on his mother's side. Also gay.

Question: What is the cause of the tragedy?

-- Natural disaster: Blame Bush.
-- Terrorist attack: Blame Bush.
-- Lone wacko: Send every available reporter for wall-to-wall coverage; hope to find something you can blame on Bush. Also gun nuts.

Question: Who is the perpetrator?

-- If name sounds foreign, suppress it for as long as possible, especially if "Mohammed" is anywhere in there.
-- If perpetrator looks ethnic in any way, take no pictures of him. Publish no pictures that already exist, unless they show him handing out flowers in a nursing home on Mother's Day.
-- If perpetrator is definitely a white male, try to reposition a satelite so you can take pictures of him from orbit 24 hours a day.

Question: What weapon did the perpetrator use?

-- If a gun, JACKPOT! We have so much anti-gun stuff we can't wait to print!
-- If a bomb, print the anti-gun stuff anyway.
-- If a knife, rock, or ax handle, move story to "Wacky News" section.

Question: What was the perpetrator's motivation?

-- If a Republican is in the White House, explore the possibility that the attack was an understandable response to the corrosive social environment created by racist, oppressive govenment policies that further enrich the wealthiest one percent and leave the rest of us wallowing in fear and despair.
-- If a Democrat is in the White House, just say that Rush Limbaugh probably told him to do it.